Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses WWII, and Wed comes AFTER Tue.

DC here,
    Tom and I were discussing the awesome that is Bruce Wayne. That dude is megarich, a handsome playboy, and THE GODDAMNED BATMAN. Most importantly, he's the closest that us regular people will ever be to a real superhero.  All it took was some training and his billions to spend on gadgets.
    Forbes lists Bruce Wayne's net worth at over $7.0B, which would make him richer than Ralph Lauren and Giorgio Armani. That's pretty f-ing rich if you consider that Richard Hilton (Paris' ashamed father) only has a net worth of $300M and we're all a bit jealous of him (daughter notwithstanding).
    I bring up Richard Hilton for a very important reason.

    We. Have. To. Kill. Him.
I've seen my daughter blowing an idiot, please kill me.

    Now, I'm not suggesting that we go out and murder this poor dude tomorrow. No, we have to travel back in time to 1986 and kill him, his wife, Kathy, and his (at the time) youngest daughter, Nicky in front of 5yr old Paris.  Come with me on a journey to 1986, where we'll be slaughtering a family and creating a real life Batgirl.

Yep, time travel to the 80's. Here's the obligatory Marty McFly reference.

    Ah, 1986! Falco is being rocked by Amadeus. Robert Palmer is Addicted to Love. Oh yeah, and a space shuttle blew up. Tragedy.  Not to mention, I was born, making this the greatest year of ever.  Most importantly, Paris Hilton is 5 years old and the oldest of two children to Richard and Kathy Hilton.  Now is the time to strike! We'll wait until they're out on a family outing and we'll gun down the unfortunate heirs to Barron Hilton's fortune, leaving young Paris orphaned and alone.  The Batman formula will take over from there. Of course, one of us will have to stay in the past and ensure she develops correctly... taking an interest in martial arts, loathing firearms, saving her money until she needs gadgets, etc.
I'm the goddamned Batwoman.

    Why Paris Hilton? It has to be someone with inherited money. It has to be someone who can be easily manipulated.  She's a perfect candidate.  Plus, imagine how much better off we'll be! No DUIs, no bad sex tape, no ill-advised show with that other rich whore. Most importantly, Los Angeles will have a fucking SUPERHEROINE!

This could be real! FUCKING REAL!

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