Lenny Bruce is STILL not afraid

    DC here,
    Predicting the end of the world/civilization is like guessing the winner of the next Kid's Choice Awards, you're probably wrong and no one cares. However, if you're reading this, I assume that there wasn't a rapture this weekend. Which kind of sucks, because I really wanted a world without self-righteous D-bags. I'm not saying that all Christians are self-righteous D-bags, I'm saying that some Christians are self-righteous D-bags. Just like some atheist are extremely self-righteous. As are some Jewish people, as well as some (coughcoughmajoritycough) Muslim people are self-righteous.  After a rapture, all the Christians are gone and everyone else is proven wrong... let's see those of us who'd be "left behind" have much of an ego after that.

"The Christians are gone?!? QUICKLY, NOW! CHANGE THE TEXTBOOKS BEFORE THEY RETURN!"

   Obviously, like every other prediction in the last two thousand years, this one didn't come to fruition either. Though it put a huge damper in my looting/shooting/building better society plans, but what better way to cheer myself up than looking back and laugh at some of the biggest flops?

• Pat Robertson heard from it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend you were messing around.

    Actually, Robertson claimed to have heard from God himself that the world would end in 1982, but I couldn't resist a REO Speedwagon reference.  Apparently, he claimed on The 700 Club (named after the audience's COLLECTIVE IQ) that in 1982, Armageddon would begin and 7 years of suffering would ensue.
    His Proof? The same proof offered up time and time again by his people, "God told me."
    Evidence to the contrary? Why would any god pick the biggest A-Hole on the planet to be the recipient of his word? This is the same guy who said America deserved 9/11. Case closed.

Fire-Spewing Demons, Whores, Dragons, Living Dead; The Biblical Apocalypse is Metal as Hell... no pun intended

• Computers too stupid for a date-change?

   Ah, Y2K!  As a bit of a survivalist myself, I LOVE LOVE LOVED this one!  There was a fear that computers, which can calculate the exact SECOND to launch a rocket in order to intercept MARS, would try to change Dec 31st, 1999 into Jan 1st, 1900. Why? Because a short-sighted programmer didn't realize that a two-digit year would come back and bite him in the ass.  The fear that all of the world's nukes would launch, our airplanes would fall out of the sky and our banks would shut down had the modern world trembling (the third world didn't really care) and the survivalists stocking up on more food than Star Jones the day before her lipo.
    The Proof? The two-digit year calendar system used in computer programming.
    Evidence to the Contrary? These same computers can calculate pi to an nearly-infinite degree in seconds... they can handle a two-digit year change.

"Gee, golly, gosh! You mean it's NOT 1911?"

• Man-Made Black Hole to swallow everything!

    Unlike most of these world-ending scenarios, this one has a infinitesimally small chance of actually happening. The Large Hadron Collider was scheduled to be powered on in Sept 2008, helping us humans understand physics to a degree never before imagined... there was just a chance that it would create black holes in the process. This is where the naysayers stopped reading and began freaking the hell out.  Assuming that one of these black holes would basically eat the earth, Special interests groups sprang up all over the place trying to have the project stopped
    Of course, the LHC was started without a hitch, although SCHRODINGER's Large Hadron Collider both destroyed the world and didn't at the same time. (ten hive-fives if you get this joke without using Google)
    The Proof?  ACTUALLY, there was a chance that the LHC would create black holes, although the odds were 198,000,000,000,000:1 and nobody mentions that the blackholes created would be microscopic and would only have enough force to consume themselves.

A Black Hole warning that DIDN'T come from Hawking? We should have known better.

• In 1806, the chicken didn't come at all.

    The Prophet Hen of Leeds was a poor chicken who, in 1806, began laying eggs with the phrase 'Christ is Coming' inscribed on the shell.  Impressed? The local villagers sure were, they 'repented' and awaited their lord, I'm sure they swore off poultry for a while too.
    The Proof? The Chicken was, in fact, laying eggs with the words on them.
    The Funny Part? Well, one day, the villagers wanted to catch the first look of their Mother Hen Madonna laying... only to find the hen's farmer with the pre-scribed egg in one hand, and an upside-down hen in the other. In order to make believers out of his friends and neighbors, Farmer Frown was shoving eggs up that poor chicken's ass!

When reached for comment, she only said, "I got clucked."

• Miller Time?

    In 1844, a Baptist Minister by the name of William Miller predicted that the end of the world would come in October 22nd of that year. His followers, the creatively named Millerites, gave away all of their possessions and eagerly awaited. When Oct 22nd came and went, the now-poor followers were understandably pissed. It came to be known as 'The Great Disappointment", although I wish we could have saved that moniker for 'The Book of Eli'
    Proof? Nada, "God told him"

Seriously? They couldn't have held out using that phrase for another couple of hundred years?

     There you go, five of the silliest world-ending scenarios that never were. Hopefully, you'll think of at least one before you trust in anyone telling you that the world is over (I'm looking at you, 2012) and you can laugh at others rather than yourself in retrospect. 

CAN we dance if we wanna?

DC here,
    The Safety Dance is arguably one of my guiltiest pleasures. I LOVE THIS SONG! However, recently I started thinking: How does one do the safety dance? We're told that we can dance if we want to, but listeners are never given instructions on how to do said safety dance.

Looks more like Men WITH hats, except for one asshole.

    When you listen to 'Time Warp', you're told how to do the Time Warp. It's just a jump to the left (and then you step to the right), you put your hands on your hips (you bring your knees in tight). The Cha Cha Slide, The Cupid Shuffle, even the Hokey Pokey! We know how to do these dances, because the songs let us know. The Safety Dance has no instructions at all.
    Is the secret of the Safety Dance in the lyrics? If so, then (obviously) in order to do the Safety Dance, one must "dress real neat, from your hands to your feet" and "act like you come from out of this world" and EVERYBODY LOOK AT YOUR HANDS. What does that even mean?  Men Without Hats = Men with hand fetishes?
    Is looking at your hands the entire dance? If that's the case then there are several short-bus loads of children who accidentally know the safety dance.  Everybody who's ever been to a rave accidentally knows the safety dance. Anyone on acid accidentally knows the safety dance.  Checking out a hang nail? You just did the safety dance.

SAFETY!!!!!!!!!!

    I say we just imitate the video and skip around making S's with our arms. That can be the Safety Dance.  We'll dress real neat (which is cosplaying for a Renaissance), make air-S's from wall-to-wall and then surprise 'em with a victory cry! We CAN dance, damn it, no thanks to the Men Without Hats.

They can dance, but they won't share their knowledge.

    To you, MWH, I say you suck! Did you ever wonder why you only had one hit? Think about that next time you sing about mysterious dances. Think about that next time you tease the entire world singing about some enigmatic jig with no instruction to the public on HOW.  Screw you, Men Without Hats.

Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses WWII, and Wed comes AFTER Tue.

DC here,
    Tom and I were discussing the awesome that is Bruce Wayne. That dude is megarich, a handsome playboy, and THE GODDAMNED BATMAN. Most importantly, he's the closest that us regular people will ever be to a real superhero.  All it took was some training and his billions to spend on gadgets.
    Forbes lists Bruce Wayne's net worth at over $7.0B, which would make him richer than Ralph Lauren and Giorgio Armani. That's pretty f-ing rich if you consider that Richard Hilton (Paris' ashamed father) only has a net worth of $300M and we're all a bit jealous of him (daughter notwithstanding).
    I bring up Richard Hilton for a very important reason.

    We. Have. To. Kill. Him.

I've seen my daughter blowing an idiot, please kill me.

    Now, I'm not suggesting that we go out and murder this poor dude tomorrow. No, we have to travel back in time to 1986 and kill him, his wife, Kathy, and his (at the time) youngest daughter, Nicky in front of 5yr old Paris.  Come with me on a journey to 1986, where we'll be slaughtering a family and creating a real life Batgirl.

Yep, time travel to the 80's. Here's the obligatory Marty McFly reference.

    Ah, 1986! Falco is being rocked by Amadeus. Robert Palmer is Addicted to Love. Oh yeah, and a space shuttle blew up. Tragedy.  Not to mention, I was born, making this the greatest year of ever.  Most importantly, Paris Hilton is 5 years old and the oldest of two children to Richard and Kathy Hilton.  Now is the time to strike! We'll wait until they're out on a family outing and we'll gun down the unfortunate heirs to Barron Hilton's fortune, leaving young Paris orphaned and alone.  The Batman formula will take over from there. Of course, one of us will have to stay in the past and ensure she develops correctly... taking an interest in martial arts, loathing firearms, saving her money until she needs gadgets, etc.

I'm the goddamned Batwoman.

    Why Paris Hilton? It has to be someone with inherited money. It has to be someone who can be easily manipulated.  She's a perfect candidate.  Plus, imagine how much better off we'll be! No DUIs, no bad sex tape, no ill-advised show with that other rich whore. Most importantly, Los Angeles will have a fucking SUPERHEROINE!

This could be real! FUCKING REAL!



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I've already ruined Number 3

TO DO:

1. Write blog out of boredom.
2. Ensure articles are witty and funny.
3. Ensure that I'm not using blog as a personal notepad.
4. Convince Conan O'Brien to grow his beard back.