Friday, May 6, 2011

The Top Ten Celebrities Terribly Mellow would make sweet sweet consensual love to.

DC here, and what a good first REAL post. A Celebrity Sex List!

Since the dawn of man, guys have pretended the girl we were having sex with was someone else. Even the earliest cave drawings were of naked women. I have no doubts that those stick figures were of CELEBRITY cave women.
I'm sure this is some sort of ancient hand fetish.

To honor our gene-encoded lust for famous chicks, Tom and I have compiled a list of the Top Ten Sexy Celebs!

  • #10 Meryl Streep
    Born in 1949, the 61-year old Streep is certainly the oldest celeb on our list
and easily the hottest GILF alive.  She made her stage debut 14 years before Tom or I were born, but her age wouldn't stop me from trying to crack her pelvis. (wink wink, nudge nudge)
Holy Centrum Silver, Batman!

  • #9 Mary Louise Parker
    At 46, MLP is the third oldest on our list, but when she starred in Showtime's Weeds, she made all of us want to roll a joint. If MILFWeed were a real strain, I'd smoke an ounce just to see it's namesake naked.

I'd love to light bowl and smoke her out!

  • #8 Cameron Diaz
America's Sweetheart? Yup! Freakin' Hottie? Yup! Funny as Hell? Yup! Cameron Diaz is "Cute" personified.  When she jumped on the screen alongside Jim Carrey in The Mask, she captured all of our hearts, and more importantly, our pre-teen boners.

There's something about Cameron

  • #7 Drew Barrymore
    Who would have thought that when we watched E.T. back in our youth, that little Girtie would grow up SO right? From E.T. to Home Fries, to that sham of a marriage with the obviously gay Tom Green - we watched her get cuter and sexier.

Tell me you wouldn't eat the entire bag of Reese's Pieces if the trail lead to this...

  • #6 Mila Kunis
    We couldn't even justify having a list at all were it not for having a spot for ol' Jackie Berkhart. She made That 70's Show watchable. She's half the reason straight men could hold their heads up high as they leave the theatre showing Black Swan. If you close your eyes while watching Family Guy, it's easy to get aroused just thinking of how hot Meg's voice is.  Plus, with eyes like hers, you can masturbate without even scrolling down the page.
Look at the eyes, now look at the boobs, now look at the legs. Congrats, you have a boner.
  • #5 Brittany Murphy
      It wasn't an easy choice to add a deceased Celeb to our list, it opens so many questions. 'Is it a necrophiliac thing?' 'Are all passed celebs open for future list?' I'll digress, but while living, Ms. Murphy was easily the sexiest woman in the limelight. She is simply stunning. Rest in Peace. Also, there will be no other deceased celebrities on any lists, rest assured.
Although if her body still looked like that...

  • #4 Emma Watson
    Pedophiles, enjoy this one. Only a few years ago, she was jailbait and we all held a fantasy or two about being in junior high all over again.  However, we've seen again and again that Hollywood helps the pretty girls grow into such a sexy woman. Today, she's 21 and I'd start drinking again to wet her whistle.
Yeah, now you're sexually confused, enjoy that.

  • #3 Jennifer Grey
    Holy Hell! I would do some dirty things to Baby in the corner. All jokes aside, Jennifer Grey is easily one of the most beautiful women in the world.  In Dirty Dancing and DWTS, she danced away with our hearts and danced into our fantasies. In Ferris Bueller, she was a mean older sister who could scold me anytime. We need more JGrey in the limelight!

Ferris Bueller had more incestuous problems to worry about.

  • #2 Natalie Portman
    We're getting close to our #1 pick, but if I had to stop here, I could still die happy.  She's the other half of Black Swan's hotness, and I'm not ashamed to buy the DVD just to watch her faux-masturbate. At least on DVD, we could share the moment. Hear that, Natalie? I totally masturbate to that scene.  Not only did she (and Mila Kunis) save Black Swan, she saved the Star Wars prequels. I'd give up my Jedi oaths for her too!


  • #1 Jessica Alba
    This is easily the hottest woman alive. NAY! The hottest woman to have ever been alive. Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn got NOTHING on Jessica Alba.  Since the first she graced my eyes on Idle Hands, to that half-naked scene in Good Luck Chuck (Dane Cook, you were awful), she's kept my eyes glued to the screen and my hand glued to my penis. Simply, unbelievably hot.

The restraining orders telling me 'no', but my body! My Body's telling me yes!

So, there you have it. Our top ten Celeb Sex List.  Disagree? Think you can do better? Email us at

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