Monday, May 16, 2011

So shall it be written, so shall it be done

    Today, we put together a list of observed Video Game standards so cliche that they're practically laws. From weightless money to a lazy cure-all, we cover just a few of the new Video Game rules.

McGreevey's HotSpot - It should be pretty much common knowledge that even if you don't scour every map for health and goodies, you still check the bathroom. This is a cliche that I hope never goes out of style, because I've gotten pretty lazy about looking for goodies. It does have it's downside; in Left 4 Dead, you use adrenaline shots and bottles of 'pills' to replenish your health and using needles and taking pills found on bathroom floors has definite hygienic drawbacks. Named after former a NJ Governor, who knew that bathrooms were the spot to find action.

In that toilet, there's a hypodermic needle with your vein's name on it.

Link's Lethargy - Sleeping in video games will cure all ails, ALL AILS! You've just been horribly burned by a flamethrower in the middle of nowhere? Sleep it off! A posse of cattlewranglers just shot you full of holes? Take a nap! Applied to real life, a coma would cure cancer. Named after one of the most famous video game sleepers, Link.

I'm healing myself, you wanna fight about it? Well, OK, when I wake up.

Carmine's Luck- If you've ever played Gears of War 1 or 2, there comes a time where your heart went out to one of the Carmine Brothers. These brothers survive everything, except a cutscene. Also, why did they let go of Benjamin Carmine in the helicopter? Four burly Gears, who are strapped-in, all just LET GO of that poor bastard. Carmine's luck states that a side character can survive ANYTHING, except for a stray bullet in a pivotal cutscene.
" wife... keep our boy out of the cutscenes..."
McClane's Burden - You are the only one that can ever make a difference and your team will always have the most important missions. Named for John McClane from Die Hard and just like him, your character will have the weight of the world of their shoulders.  Need backup? You are the back up. Want air support? Get in the helicopter so you can be dropped off.  Compromised when you were taken POW on a secret mission to Cuba? We don't care, continue saving the world.  You're just an Italian plumber from New Jersey? You're clearly the most qualified for crossing the occupied mushroom kingdom and saving the captured princess.
Yippe Aye-a Cay-a Yay, Mother-a Fucker, it's-a me, MARIO!

Doom's Doors - A locked door is the strongest substance on earth (screw diamond).  No amount of explosives can hurt a locked door. These pieces of shit mock you as you unload every bit of munitions in your possession upon it. You've unloaded enough firepower to wipe out a medium-sized civilization, and yet there that door stands, mocking you, denying your passing worse than any the West Berlin armed forces in 1983. If we need further Nuclear testing, let's pray it's done on the other side of these doors.

This door is harder to break than the color barrier in Iceland.

Valentine's Volumes - Anyone who's ever written a journal has had the most insight to your problem ever. Have no idea where to go or who to talk to in order to further your quest? Start reading people personal journals. In video games, you'll never find a sordid, lusty affair, but you're sure to find a hint to solving the mystery of the haunted mansion.
"Chris took Jill into his arms and softly kissed her neck. Nibbling a trail to her ears, he softly whispered, 'Turn the golden statue counter-clockwise while tapping X.'
The Liberal Agenda - Need a new gun? Goooood news everybody! Your enemies will never stop to pick up a weapon dropped by their comrades. Only in Cali and Mass will you find this many people ignoring free weapons laying EVERYWHERE. When in comes to WASTED resources, Video Game Baddies have taken the top spot. Despite having unlimited ammo themselves, you'd think they'd at least stop you from collecting more, but no. They enjoy being annihilated by friendly bullets.

"I don't need no stinking guns."
Mario's Money - You have inventory limits based on how strong you are. That makes sense! However, in a game where the currency is solid gold coins, and THERE'S NO WEIGHT LIMIT ON COINS! You have a level two character who can only carry six arrows at a time, but you have 6,000,000gp. If a gold coin weighs as little as an ounce, that's almost 188 TONS. WTF? Until we can fashion the gold into bullets, we're stuck with practically worthless cash. The real irony won't hit until you're fighting a bunch of werewolves, then you'll wish you had silver coins.

I'm a lv7 thief... they'll never see me coming.

    That wraps up for now, we'll be adding more as we can observe them.  If you want to bitch at us, or make suggestions, email us at I'm Outy 500.

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